Not really, I was just incredibly tired on the 15th, like, in danger of just passing out. And then yesterday I meant to blog but I just didn't get around to it in time.
So let's go back to late 14th!
Just to be warned, this is probably going to be VERY long. Again... So yeah. Feel free to read if you're that dedicated! Has some interesting things happening though so maybe you won't want to miss out.
Single People Awareness Day! or Valentines Day.
Silly single people... I'm lonely as
Eventually Yasmin came around with Ben. We spent something like 4-5 hours not doing a whole lot really.
They eventually broke out the drink.
Ben and I got the two for Tuesdays pizza from dominos.
My pizza is just a normal pizza with double bacon. Yummy.
I stuck Blade on because Yasmin had never seen it, she didn't watch much of it... XD Don't think she has much of an attention span! Or maybe her brain works too fast. It'd explain the fast talking!
Eventually Graham got his arse to the flat.
He had texted people earlier on saying like "don't
But that text pissed off Zoe so she didn't come round. Amy did eventually though. Actually she was there before Graham. So he was the last in then.
But yeah, we had fun. I was feeling like my usual awkward self and decided I'd go for my run.
My knee at that point had decided a day or two prior, to just be completely fine. No pains at all. It's stupid.
So I went out for 20-30 minutes doing my run. Chatted to Yasmin a bit as she like charged out of the flat when she saw me go by the window. XD
I meant to go for a run tonight actually... I guess I sort of did actually. I'll get to that in a bit.
I got back in again anyway. Incredibly dizzy though. I felt really weird. Had a drink of water and just sat on the sofa for a bit with my eyes shut.
Yasmin came and joined me. Checking if I was alright. She's a very caring and lovely person honestly. I'm glad I met her.
We watched one of CarlieStylez videos. Carlie is Shaycarl's sister. She's been doing this bachelorette show. She had a bunch of guys submit videos to try and date her. There were various things to remove guys like one was Shaycarl and Casey Lavere (Both are Carlie's brothers) and they interviewed guys... with a shotgun... It was hilarious.
But yeah the guys in it were definitely different like... The first guy, Jon? He seemed like an awesome guy. A future me in a way, if I can do well in a film career really. But yeah he was awesome, then there was another guy, who just seemed like he wanted to hang out with Shay and Casey. I mean, who wouldn't? But when in a contest to try and date someone, I wouldn't try and date their siblings first... I think there were two other guys? Maybe three.... Actually no, two. I was thinking of a video Casey did making fun of the guys as contestant five. That was a funny video too. So the next guy just seemed like a sporty hippie kind of guy. He didn't seem bad but he didn't seem all that great either. And finally, the dude Carlie picked, and why wouldn't she? Carlie is essentially the popular cheerleader in high school who only dates the buff jock douchebags.
Yasmin and I were both wanting Jon or what ever his name was, to be chosen. He seemed so much better. Although I do recall Carlie saying she wasn't sure he could handle her crazy with his sweet nature. Something like that.
Yasmin and I also thought though, maybe they should have brought Cooper (Carlie's son (THERE'S THE KICKER!)) into the mix too. Like, a segment where they just hang out together. But in a way, that may have been an awful idea really... But it's relatively important that he doesn't react badly to this new man. I mean he does still see his father, and he has Shay and Casey as father figures. There was even a very touching moment in a Moms View video where the "moms" had Shay and Casey on. Carlie was talking about how she saw her son praying and thanking God for Shay and Casey being his dads. It was so sweet.
But anyway... so eventually we all went to the bedroom to try and sleep.
Graham never gives up his bed so it was him, Yasmin and Ben together, me on my futon and Amy with the second duvet off Graham's bed on the floor.
Yasmin eventually decided to join me on my futon though. I ended up half sleeping on the floor really. My back was killing me the next day but oh well. I'd say it was worth it because it was nice having her there with me really.
Apparently she got my cold though... So I'm sorry to her about that, she's more than welcome to punch me for that. At least it's just a cold though... bit of sore throat and snivelling. Nothing serious. I think I'm about recovered from it though.
Sometime in the morning everyone was getting up. They all got dressed, I of course, stayed in my bed. I was pretty tired. They headed off at some point. Ben would be heading home but Graham was going with Amy to get hair dye for her, black hair dye, that's actually done about nothing noticeable honestly... No offence to Yasmin though, I'm sure she's a pro at hair dye. She's welcome to dye the tips of my hair purple when ever I feel I'd be able to.
Only reason I don't apart from having the bleach my hair for it to really work... if I want a job, I don't think having purple hair is a smart idea. But yeah. Yasmin, if you're reading this, and I'm sure you're regretting it at this point! You're more than welcome to mess with my hair. XD
Anyhoo, yeah so Yasmin was with Graham and Amy, they went to get hair dye, I slept until they came back, and Yasmin dyed Amy's hair.
But seriously... It's like, not noticeable, it seems SO pointless... Ah well.
So they all headed off again. Yasmin was going to her friend Karis as they were going to the Hive in the evening. Doesn't seem like a good idea when she was so tired and hungover still. Amy went... Somewhere, and Gromble went to Glasgow for his work placement.
I feel sorry for him having to go to Glasgow every day for like three weeks. Must suck ass.
I checked up on Yasmin at some point in the day. Guess my futon's not all that comfortable when you always have a bed to sleep on. I do want to either get a small mattress or another futon to go under it. It'd be so much more comfy.
But yeah, we were talking most of the day, and most of today too I guess.
I do like Yasmin. I told her so, apparently I'm very good at hiding any kind of emotion. Guess it's a problem when you're incapable of many things... being social in a normal social situation, showing emotions properly, sharing. Although, I can share anything quite easily in text. I can think my words out more thoroughly.
Apparently Graham's told her before that I like her? Which is odd since I've never said it to anyone but her. Seems Graham has a pretty good woman's intuition!
Either way, as far as I'm aware, Yasmin only thinks of me as a friend. I can't blame her. I'm just
Far from proud... if I could actually lose weight, I'd be fairly good looking I'd say. Even though my teeth are bad and nose is squint.
While everyone was gone, I was sitting/lying on the sofa. Listening to music, trying to watch YouTube videos. Nearly passing out honestly.
I had to stay up until 9-10 because Ben had forgotten his key. He never came around for it.
As annoying as that could have been, it wasn't as annoying as Graham forgetting his keys too. So I had to stay up longer to let him in before I could pass out.
Graham got in eventually, I let him in, and immediately went to my bed and fell asleep within a couple minutes of the lights turning off.
Woke up sometime in the night, tried to go to sleep again. Hard to do when you're like wide awake. Eventually I did though.
And so we're on the 16th! Thursday, Nandos night! Didn't have nandos... Ah well!
Graham and I got up around 12-1pm. He buggered off again. I went to the sofa and downloaded Disturbed's 2010 album.
I can't believe I've listened to them for so long and never realised I was missing an album when they released it!
Asylum is pretty awesome though.
I love the songs at the start of most albums where it's a build up into the next song. They are amazing, but with Disturbed, I've always liked sticking the albums on shuffle and just enjoying it. Now I can't really. Meh.
But yeah I chatted to Yasmin again, asked her how her night of binge drinking was and such. I kid of course, as far as I'm aware, she doesn't binge drink. But yeah. We were talking again. I did have a moment where I was just lying on the sofa and being so very depressed...
Wish I hadn't posted on face book. I know it's not a nice thing to see someone moaning about how their life sucks and so forth. Whether you care about them or whether you don't. It's just like... A way to TRY and get attention, but all it does is push away anyone.
Dan pretty much told me to just shut the
Never got around to going on a run again. I think I fell asleep again while I was listening to the album? Jumped out of my skin though, for some reason one of the songs doesn't have any sound until about 2 minutes in. I don't know if that's a bug with the download or if it's meant to be like that.
Yasmin apparently saw my post though. We ended up talking about the long boring story of
Thing is with me, I do have a lot of
Sometimes, usually when it's like 3-5am and I'm tired. I'm just hit with all of these things in one go and it just overcomes me really... It's hard to have so much
I don't know if it's possible to be addicted to anything but I just don't want to have my life being happy because of some freaking pills.
*This mental scar of mine, I've diagnosed it myself as being a mental scar. I mean come on... A lot of nights ever since December 30th 2009. I've just replayed in my head, my mum dying in front of me. And I then think of all the times I stole money from her to buy sweets and junk and all the lack of "I love you mum". Wishing I had said goodbye to her before I left the house to meet Dan and bring him back to mine. Wishing I had just flagged down the ambulance before it drove off so I could jump in the back real quick and just hug her tight. Tell her I love her...
So many chances missed... so many regrets. I just wasn't prepared... I knew it was going to happen. Dad had spoken to my brother and I, we knew she wasn't going to make it. But we were told she had months... it was just too soon for me. I can't talk to my brother about it because he's such an ass to me. He's rarely ever been a god damn brother to me. And I can't talk to my dad about it because I just can't... I've never been able to "open up" to him...
So I'm stuck just typing to people how much it's affected me, and there's nothing they can do to help me.
Even now, I'm just fighting back tears. I miss my mum so much. I hate that I'm forgetting her... I had a picture of her on a pin board back home, and when I looked at it, I just felt like something was missing.
Eventually Dan came over, he was late, again, despite not going to the Gym this time... He called me around 7:45 saying he's heading home, won't be going to the gym and blahblah.
He got to mine at 10 past 11. So all Nandos were closed. He went online to try order pizza, Pizza hut - shut. Papa Johns - Didn't deliver at that time. Dominos - Faithful as always. So he ordered a large pizza with double tomato sauce, olives, pineapple, meatballs. The meatballs sucked apparently. It was a family deal actually, came with garlic bread and potato wedges. Some pizza left though... If I feel like it, I'll just take off the toppings and try finish it. Probably tomorrow though.
The pizza was a pain though, since I didn't have £10 on me, we had to try order via my card and he'd give me £10 in return. My card got rejected. I can't possibly be at 0 already... Either way, I ended up running/sprinting to the cash machine in Fountain park. I don't know if there's one closer that was open and doesn't charge. I managed to take out £10, so I guess now I have no money somehow...
Apparently the pizza guy got there a minute or so after I ran off to get money. I had forgotten about my dinner when we were ordering. So I had a warm lasagne.
But yeah, I counted it as my run honestly. I wasn't out for long, but I was kind of dizzy and I felt like I was having a bit of a heart attack... Not a good thing to feel, but at least I know it was because I ran a fair amount.
At something like 2.30, I walked with Dan, most of the way back to his house.
He knows how crap I feel a lot of the time about being single. He's not one for pep talks though.
But I don't know how I can bring myself to be confident. I get that there's nothing attractive like a grovelling wreck like I am most of the time. But I just can't change... I've been down in the dumps for years, how do you just get up and act as if nothing happened?
I do want to find someone who I could be with. It could be Yasmin for all anyone knows. But all I know is that she's not interested in me. I can't blame her though.
At the moment, I'd just be such a bad choice... Admittedly, I'm honestly a good guy. I'm kind, caring, fun, funny, I listen and eventually share and so on, I'm multi-freaking-talented! But I have no money, I have no job, I have nothing. I'd be such a dead beat boyfriend and I hate that.
But all the same... I want to try.
I have absolutely NO experience with girls... I've only ever kissed one girl on the cheek.
In short... people see me as I see me. A wreck of a person... But because of that
Who ever may be reading this though, for one, well done getting so far. For another, don't feel sorry for me. Don't pity me. Hate me if you want, for being who I am. I hate myself for it anyway.
I don't want to be seen in a way that's worse than how I can possibly be seen already.
See me as the comedic, yet arrogant
So it's 5.19 now. Been listening to Jamie Cullum for over an hour. Love his music, fantastic pianist.
It occurs to me though. You may be curious why I tell so much of my boring ass life in these blogs sometimes. Honestly, because nothing happens when I do. Nothing happens as a reaction to this. Nothing ever will. I'm able to just write anything on my mind and not feel awkward about it.
Although I am curious why you'd be so interested.
The likely-hood of any of you meeting me is incredible low. The likely-hood of any of you knowing me, I'd say moderate since I know at least one person reads this and talks to me daily. The likely-hood that anyone reading this, cares at all, that find this as just a nice read or just a way to laugh at people "suffering" for lack of a better word. I'd say very high.
But sod it, this is my blog, this is my life. I'm letting you in, you don't have to be reading it, but you are. So thank you for reading. I care about every friend I have.
I would never intentionally hurt my friends. If I have in the past, I'm sorry. I love you and I don't want to lose you. Without my friends, my life could be infinitely worse.
If I could, without feeling/being weird about it for one, I'd hug you all every time I see you.
I love you my friends, I love you my readers, and I love roast potatoes... I mean seriously, GLORIOUS!
Since I cannot really do it, I'll do this instead...
*hugs*
Take care everyone. Remember, I am no different. I am just insane on so many levels. But I am me, I will not change.
Byebye, and of course, much love to all. <3
No comments:
Post a Comment